Sense of burning in the cheeks, just like one after a full day of sunbathing by the riverside. Numbness. I stretch my crossed legs. Numbness, tingling, then sensation. My head, however, was as clear as it hadn’t been in weeks. Lacking sleep appears to be efficient.
The sight of my bedroom starts swirling. To be exact, not the room itself swirls, it is me who, consciously feeling legs and body rotating and being transformed, somehow swirls around the bed. The thought of flying carpet shoots through the mind, but mythology is not the case. I am just a history student in university, apart from being an ordinary person. Both my parents living their ordinarily separated lives, younger brother doing bad at mathematics, my mother requesting to teach him, my mind exploding having to deal with simple mathematics.
Everything suggests I am custom made, just as one of dozens tackling the same always-late, not-healthy-enough, always-single or i-am-broke. Looking at finger that I had cut with a kitchen knife at the yesterday breakfast, I see it turning into dust. Now, the other hand also disappears, and only the shadow of my non- existing self-assured me in the room ensures I am still here. Creases on my duvet cover, the unfinished cup of coffee and leftover birthday cake crumbles on the sheet calm me down for the first time in my life. It meant I was here. I had been here. Me myself.
I move across the room to check with the mirror. Moving feels like swimming. Always loved it: freeing and inspiring, so wild yet enjoyable. One never feels himself, one is always sliding and gliding while immersed into the river flows. Watergreens giving the way, fish joining in the joyful underwater dance. In the world of a green, sun beams of gold play with flows of the river.
Now there is no sensation of water around by arms, no distorted sound of pebbles thrown in the river and no fish. Nothing. The complete silence in a room . Even the radio from neighbours’ room has stopped its ongoing murmur. Birds outside had gone silent as well, and the wind was not playing music on wind bells, which had been there ever since I remember myself.
What a strange dream.
The world was fading away. Or was I? The tingling in my legs I worried about just moments ago, was now longed for. There was no sound, there was no sensation. The smell of coffee had faded away, and the delicately arranged flowers my grandmother had brought to me this weekend when visiting for my twenty second birthday were no longer smelling as freshly done laundry in the cottage. It had ,quite contrary, made efforts to see myself in the mirror, even starker. The mirror frame, painted white and embellished with seashells from my last summer trip to the French Riviera was showing nothing more than just a plain, simple, yet nicely lighted room one would assign to 16-year-old.
The feeling of emptiness in the world around me, among friends, colleagues and even at home was suddenly fulfilling. Worse or better, that was their decision to make.
Now the physical nothingness was the obstacle for others only; me myself feeling the lightness, I was capable of living the life I was always longed for in my wondering mind. Sense was lost, the only thing that stayed was my thoughts. Perceptions, reflections, observations. Clear and extraordinary simple, the sense was now captured in the moment, the sight, and not one was real. The intuition, imagination and fulfilling of the unrealistic was welcomed to take over.